written @ 9:52 p.m. on 2003-04-03
I feel so unloved right now. All night my brother has been pushing my buttons. Calling me fat ass under his breath all night. It makes me want to scream with anger, because, these four words pop into mind. WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? No no, change that, 6 words... WHAT THE FUCK WOULD JESUS DO? okay that�s better. Colby. Colby is this great guy. Colby goes to church and everyone thinks he�s such a great guy. Awwahh.. Colby, he�s so nice, he�s such a friendly and warm loving person. What would the missionaries do if they could see how he tortures me? What would they do if they could see everything that goes on in this house? How would Juliana react to Colby calling his bulimic sister a FAT ASS. How would God, react to Colby calling his sister, the former cutter, a Fatty? I threw a pillow, and hit him right smack in the face, then left the room. I am so fucking tired of his shit. He needs to grow the fuck up. Its getting mentally abusive, and I cant stand it anymore! I'm freaking out at every second. He makes its o much worse from me.
Its not only him though.
Its Nicole.
I love you to pieces sweetie pie,
But there are just some things that I need to say.
I feel as though I mean nothing to you. And as stupid as that may sound to you, that�s how I feel. I don�t want you to take this information and say oh I have her wrapped around my little finger... I need you. I need your attention. I need you to care for me, just as much as you need me. I need you to do things for me to show you that you care. Like the box, how sweet was that. But ever since I�ve gotten back from Florida. I feel like you don�t even like me at all. I feel as though your world revolves around jimmy and solely around jimmy. That his opinion matters more than anything to you. There used to be entrees in your diary about how much you loved me and missed me. Now you wont even add me to your buddy list. You wont change the nasty things you've said about me in your CAST. You wont paint my shoes, you wont change my layout, you wont do anything. because in reality, I�m just not fucking worth it. Or that�s how I feel. And I don�t want you to blow this crap I�ve just said out of contact and be like I hate her she�s a bitch and not talk to me for 5 days. I need you right now, more than ever. I don�t need you to be upset with me. I'm just telling you how it is. I feel as though I�m not worth your time. I'm not worth your effort. I am probably wrong, but you don�t give me any other indication otherwise, and my mind is seriously been fucked with through the years.
My father, does the same thing that I do. He gets all these fucked up ideas in his head about something. About how I feel about him, or about what�s going on with my mom, or Dean. And I am exactly like that. I'm exactly like him in every way.
I feel Unloved.
You know the words nicole.
UNLOVED
SELFISH
LAZY
FATTY
whats next? How many more letters should I add to that 23?
And that shit about you being fat? WHAT THE FUCK?
I'm feeling MAJORALLY insecure right now. More than I ever EVER have. Just 3 weeks ago you were calling me fat. You were calling me the worst names ever, saying you want me to die. Heather say saying I was 300 pounds. Nicole, if your fat, I�m a fucking beast. That is bullshit. If jimmy thinks your fat, or shows you any real indication that he thinks your fat, then I�m going to punch his fucking lights out, because if he does think your fat, then he�s an idiot and he needs to be hit.